Purpose and Meaning

For as long as I can remember in my Christian walk, I’ve wanted to discover my purpose. I have always wanted to know what great mission I’m supposed to be doing for God. It’s funny how we search for something BIG & GRAND. I wanted to find some purpose that made me feel important and needed. I wanted to know that I was special and unique and I had a skill or purpose that no one else could replace or duplicate.

My spirit longed to find purpose as I re-entered the workplace several years ago. I told myself that if I could just get a job and be important and needed, if my employer and coworkers saw my worth, I’d be satisfied.

Well … guess what I quickly learned?!?!… No matter where you go or what you do, there will always be someone better than you and someone in line to replace you. I wasn’t aiming to be better than anyone else, but just wanted to feel worthy. I wanted a boost in confidence that I am loved, appreciated, and part of something bigger than me.

I was talking to someone the other day who was sharing with me about a person who was doing awesome things for the Kingdom and I just sat in awe and thought, “WOW! She has beautiful fruit!!” But I soon found myself growing jealous and comparing my life to hers. Searching to find fruit in my  life, I came up short when I compared my journey to hers.

This sparked another stirring for the search for purpose… What is my purpose? What is my mission for the Kingdom? Again, I began to think big and mighty. So I asked God…and He gave me two things.

#1) Being a mom and wife. In other words, MY HOME is my mission field. This is one place that is so important to Him. It is also a place of least appreciation, which God reminded me that this need for recognition and appreciation was pride inside of me. *Ouch! Why do I need to feel appreciated by people? He alone is my Judge. I’m called to be obedient to Him. I am important to my home, even if no one else sees it! (Side note: my family DOES think I’m important, everyday, all the time. But my brain often hears the lies of the enemy tell me I’m not good enough. So it isn’t that my family doesn’t appreciate me and what I do. It’s me and my own insecurities.)

#2) My paintings… This is my evangelism. This is my place where I pour out and surrender. This is where He works through me. This is where I share HIM. Some people may not get it. Some people may not approve. Some people may not like my art. Some people may find it strange and “out there”. But that’s okay. I’m not good with my words when it comes to speaking. I’m socially awkward. I have a hard time with conversation sometimes. So this is my communication. This is the outlet that speaks for me. I pray for God to work through me and point back to Him.

I’m reminded that I don’t have to worry about feeling important or appreciated because glorifying Him is all that matters. My worth comes from Him. He sent Jesus to die on the Cross for me. He calls me His daughter. I am a part of His Family. Everything I do must be for His glory and His Kingdom, not just one specific mission.

Colossians 3:23 Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for people.

Matthew 25:21 You have done well, and proven yourself to be my loyal and trustworthy servant. Because you have been a faithful steward to manage a small sum, now I will put you in charge of much, much more. You will experience the delight of your Master, who will say to you “Come celebrate with Me!”

So as He commands me to do much with little, here are a few works I’ve done lately with Holy Spirit. May He speak mightily to your heart.

This is titled, “Waves of Praise (Part2)”. Praise and worship is deeper than just singing songs at church. It is a battle cry in the midst of hardship. It is surrendering to Him and dying to self. It is reverence for our God. It is being still and listening to His voice. It is repentance. It is how you live moment by moment for God. Praising and worshiping is returning the breath in your lungs back to God, knowing that He was the Creator of the breath we breathe. Giving back to the One Who gave. Sometimes this is all we have to give Him. After all, He is the giver of life, the giver of salvation through His only Son Jesus Christ, the giver of the power of Holy Spirit living in us.

 

This piece is simply called “Night”. Most times we see night as a negative. But there is beauty in the night. God is in the night too. “Look at the splendor of your skies, your creative genius glowing in the heavens. When I gaze at your moon and your stars, mounted like jewels in their settings, I know you are the fascinating artist who fashioned it all!” Psalm 8:3

 

“Depths of Hope” Hope: actively waiting for God’s fulfillment about the faith He has inbirthed through the power of His love. (Helps word-studies #1679); anticipate, welcome, expectation of what is sure or certain (#1680).

 

“For you have been made pure, set apart in the Anointed One, Jesus. And God has invited you to be his devoted and holy  people, and not only you, but everyone everywhere who call on the name of our Lord Jesus Christ as their Lord, and ours also. May joyous grace and endless peace be yours continually from our Father God and from our Lord Jesus, the Anointed One!” 1 Corinthians 1:2-3

I’d love to hear how God has revealed your purpose and how He has given His blessing to your passions. Share how you use your talents and passions for the Kingdom. Share how God has spoken to your purpose through your everyday routines. Have a blessed day, Friends, and I look forward to hearing from you soon!

 

 

Art

Hi everyone! I wanted to start blogging again with hopes of sharing a little bit about my favorite hobby as of late. Painting! I have really been enjoying this season so I wanted to open up and share my heart.

I started painting about 15 years ago. My mother in love gave me a how-to book and video to get me started. I remember the first day I started practicing. My husband laughs about it because I got so upset! The video and the book said this way of painting was easy and pretty much fool proof… HA! I could not get the hang of it for the first few hours. I was so angry. I vowed to quit that first day. Well, I don’t know if I was stubborn or humbled, or maybe both, but the next day I tried it again. I was a little more patient with myself and had a little more grace for my mistakes. But I slowly began to get better. I wanted to paint for everyone!  😀

I would usually go in spurts when it came to painting. I really didn’t know how to use my new love of painting. Sometimes I would create gifts for people. Sometimes I would paint something and it would sit in my closet for a few years, then I’d throw it away. Sometimes people would ask me to paint them a picture. This was NOT my favorite way of painting because it was too much pressure for perfection. At least if I painted something on my own, I could decide if it was finished or met my expectations. But meeting someone else’s expectations is NOT one of my strong suits.

Anyway, one day I read the verse Colossians 3:23, “Whatever you do, work at it with all of your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters.” So I asked God, “How can I do this for you?” Shortly after that prayer, I found an art group on Facebook that drew pictures in their Bibles. How did I not do this sooner? It was as if a light bulb went off in my head. Duh!! I called it “Art Worship”, there are other names for it but it was a phrase I felt when I was drawing in my Bible because I felt like I was spending time with God and meditating on His Word while I was drawing. I would go through my Bible and look for verses I could draw a picture for. Sometimes I’d hear a verse and think, “OH! I have to draw this picture!” There were times I’d feel “uncreative” but still wanted to go to that place with God so I’d go on Pinterest to fine ideas.

 

I drew a picture in my Bible that just spoke volumes to me so I knew it was supposed to be bigger. I knew it needed to be on canvas. I realized that THIS was what I could do for God…put His Word on canvas!!! I could share His Word through pictures with the world!! Now I don’t think I’m an expert artist, but I do feel like God speaks through art so this was doable (however, intimidating!).

So this began my journey to share what I call prophetic art. Now before I receive hate mail about the word “prophetic”, let me just make this side note: To me, prophetic art is just putting God’s Word in art form. Nothing “crazy”, nothing “weird”. It is my spiritual time with the Lord where He speaks and uses my hands as His tools to share His love.

Someone asked me a few weeks ago about my art and wanted me to explain the meaning behind some of my pieces. So I thought I’d pick a few and give some insight into what I was hearing and what I felt the Lord wanted to speak through each of them.

*Garden of Gethsemane: This piece is of Jesus praying in the Garden before His arrest. It shows His communion with the Father. He is relying on Father God for strength. He is in agony because He will do the Father’s will but it is hard. He will rely on His Father. He will redeem His people. He will suffer for us and for the lost people. He will do this to reconcile a wretched people to our righteous and Holy Father. In doing so, He will have victory over death and sin. Then He will be seated at the right hand of the Father. Jesus is our Savior. But this is His cry for God to sustain Him during the suffering.

*Beautiful Worship: This piece reminds me of free worship. Worshiping the Lord with your heart, soul, mind, and strength. God wants us to be completely free in Him. And when we come to the realization of all that He has done for us, we want to worship Him with total abandon and total freedom. However that looks to you: with flags, with dancing, with singing, with praying, with tongues, with your face to floor and tears streaming out of your eyes. Total surrender to Him.

*The Hem of His Garment: I painted this picture and then a year or two later I added the verse to give it its more visual meaning. This picture reminded me of my sweet niece who battled cancer for many years. She was healed several times and then she won the ultimate battle of life and went Home last year. But it reminds me of the desperation of healing. Whatever type of healing we need, whether it is physical or spiritual, when we are desperate for healing…sometimes we must get on our hands and knees and crawl to the feet of Jesus for just a touch of His robe. We want more than that but sometimes we can only reach the hem, and that’s good enough for now. Jesus knows you are reaching out to touch Him. It is your faith in KNOWING that He will heal you, even if you can only get to His hem…

*Shifting The Atmosphere: This is a recent technique I started…finger painting! It was the first time I painted with my fingers and it was also the first time I painted on video (which I posted on Facebook). To me this represents when you encounter the Lord and everything shifts. Not always how we think it should change, circumstantially…but spiritually. It is when you start to believe God’s promises for your life and when the Word becomes RHEMA Word. You receive revelation and your understanding opens up to His will for your life. You begin to realize your ministry for His Kingdom. You go from earthly mindset to Kingdom mindset. You find a treasure He has hidden and you have that AHA moment, this begins your transformation and renewing of your mind.

*Eye: This is the third painting of an eye I have done. They each have had different meanings. This one was a bit deeper than the other two. I almost didn’t share this one because it first appears rather dark, but the meaning was too good not to share. The verse for this one comes from Matthew 6:22-23, “The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eye is good, your whole body will be full of light. But if your eye is bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. So if the light within you is darkness – how deep is that darkness!” So as I looked at this over and over during and after painting it, I asked myself…Is the eye full of darkness or light? It can really go either way. Benson’s Commentary says, “if the conscience, that mental light which God has given to man for regulating his moral conduct, be itself vitiated, what will be the state of his appetites and passions, which are naturally blind and precipitate?” First Samuel 16:7 says, “…The Lord doesn’t see things the way you see them. People judge by outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” We look on the outside to determine and “discern” a person’s heart, but we are looking at the earthly fruit.

 

So this is a little bit of my story and some insight into what I paint and why. If you are interested in purchasing any of my art, you can purchase from https://fineartamerica.com/profiles/3-crystal-white.html  You can also follow me on Facebook and Instagram @crystalwhiteart .

Thank you for reading my blog and hopefully I will do another soon.

God bless.

 

Woman at the Well

“Bring women to the well. They will meet with Jesus and receive His Living Water.” This is what the Lord laid on my heart about my purpose.

 

John 4 is where you will find the passage. It is a well known passage about a woman who encounters Jesus and leaves changed.

Verse 9: The Samaritan woman said to him, “You are a Jew and I am a Samaritan woman. How can you ask me for a drink?”

The Samaritan woman thought she had nothing to offer Jesus (she was unclean according to their culture). The “religious” idea that you have to be “good” to come to church. You have to be a certain “way” before you come to Jesus. Your life has to get “better” first before you become a Christian. The lie that I am not good enough, smart enough, old/young enough, popular enough….Jesus allows us to approach Him just like we are. He will do the changing in us!

Jesus explains to her what He’s offering. She replies in v. 15, “Sir, give me this water so that I won’t get thirsty and have to keep coming here to draw water.” She wants the water that quenches thirst, but she believes she only needs to go to Him once and then she can go back to her usual life. Yes, you come to Jesus to receive salvation once, but when you encounter Jesus, there’s no going back to life as you knew it before!

Jesus and the woman discuss her sins. Sometimes we need to discuss our sins with Jesus! We discuss so we can release them and be free from the sins that hold us back. He doesn’t condemn her. He doesn’t shame her. He just discusses with her. Coming face to face with Jesus brings our sins to the surface. Sometimes we don’t realize our sins. But God is kind to reveal them in His timing and He is full of grace and mercy so that we don’t stay in our sins. We break free from them.

She then changes the subject, which is interesting. As she’s getting deep into conversation about her sin, she detours. Verse 20: “Our fathers worshipped on this mountain, but you Jews claim that the place we must worship is in Jerusalem.” Jesus replies, “A time is coming when you will worship the Father neither on this mountain nor in Jerusalem…Yet a time is coming and has now come when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and in truth, for they are the kind of worshipers the Father seeks.” I believe this Samaritan woman believes a lie. The “religious” lie that church and worship are set a certain way and it can’t be done any other way. She sees religion as LAWS. She isn’t seeing Jesus – who is THE TRUTH, THE WAY, AND THE LIFE – outside of “church”. She isn’t seeing Him outside the law. She has put Him in a box that fits her stereotype. He let’s her know, in a round about way, her view on the religious law is going to change. Her eyes will be opened and her stereotype of how she THINKS things SHOULD be, is going to change. Sometimes when we just follow a law or a set way of doing something, we miss the meaning. We miss the heart change that God wants us to have. We miss the presence of being in God and His love being poured out on us.

Verse 25: The woman said, “I know the Messiah is coming. When He comes, He will explain everything to us.” She knows the Christ is coming but she doesn’t recognize Him right in front of her. She doesn’t KNOW Him.

The disciples return and they are surprised to see what Jesus is doing. A question to leave right here and ponder. Why are we surprised to see Jesus working?

Jesus told her He was the Messiah and allowed her eyes to be open to her encounter with Him. Oh, the moment we realize we are new! When we realize all that Jesus did and all of Who He is! She leaves her water jug and goes back to tell everyone about her encounter with The Messiah!

Let’s hone in on that water jug for a minute. She carried the weight of the water jug but left without it. The burden she carried of being unclean, tarnished, sinful, useless, the lies the enemy threw at her…. What’s in your jug? What do you need to carry to Jesus so He can replace it with Living Water? What do you need to discuss with Jesus so that you can share Him with others?

In verses 34-38, Jesus turns from Living Water to satisfying your hunger. The Snickers bar of this passage! There is no competition in doing the Lord’s work. The sower and the reaper experience joy together. Unity among believers. Working together for the Lord.

The Samaritan woman shared her testimony and many came to meet Jesus. They hosted His presence! They invited Him, met with Him, and experienced Him. We seek His face, allow Him to do a work in us and we become new. We walk with Him and we are forever changed. Our walk allows us to bring others to the well.

The well is only part of the amazing grace God pours out for us. By the end of the Book of John, we learn the Cross is ultimately the place of sacrifice. The place of eternal life and life changing release of our sins. But this encounter at the well is such a sweet time with Jesus. Her eyes were opened to the truth, the way, and THE LIFE. She shared her testimony and brought others to the well to experience Living Water. So now, she KNOWS Him and she has experienced Him. We need both. Knowledge of His Word and Who He is, and experience which builds our relationship with Him. Then we will know His voice and we will have seen His hand in our testimony. Sharing the testimony with others brings salvation. Revelation 12:10-11 says, “now have come the salvation and power and the kingdom of our God, and the authority of his Christ. For the accuser of our brothers, who accuses them before our God day and night, has been hurled down. They overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and the word of their testimony; they did not love their lives so much as to shrink from death.”

Revelation 7:17, “For the Lamb at the center of the throne will be their shepherd; he will lead them to springs of living water. And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes.”

Revelation 21:5-6, “He who was seated on the throne said, I am making all things new! Then he said, Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true. He said to me, It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. To him who is thirsty I will give to drink without cost from the spring of the water of life.”

Isaiah 55:1, “Come, all who are thirsty, come to the waters.”

Lord, thank you for giving us Living Water so that we will never be thirsty for Life! You allow us to come boldly to the throne room so that we can meet with you and be transformed. Father, you know my sins and I pray you search my heart and make me pure as I come to you and confess. Make the sins no longer tempting. Wash me with your Water. Let me see you as I approach. Don’t let my eyes be blinded by religion or the walls of a box that I have built. Let your truth penetrate my mind, heart, and soul. Let others see you working in my life so that they will want the Living Water that satisfies like only You can. Let me speak of my testimony, which will bring glory and honor to your name. Let all that I do bring others into your presence at the well. Thank you Lord! Amen!!

 

Blizzards and Praise Music

I struggle with the idea of sharing too much. Having the fear of being judged by others and seeming tarnished. But I think transparency brings more people to the Lord….so I’m hoping that I share my struggles so you will see God and not the mess that is me.

 

After work, I came home and had a text message from a sweet sister in Christ who was blessed by one of my paintings. I had planned on giving it to her a few weeks ago but life gets crazy and we hadn’t had a chance to meet up. She texted me and wanted to come by my house to pick up the painting. I replied with my address and then I started sweating. I looked around the house and immediately did the whole “try to clean in five minutes because someone’s coming over” trick. Then the doorbell rang…

 

My son opened the door to her sweet smile and our big mess. I was trying to hide my embarrassment. I was hoping she wouldn’t notice the trash piled up on the counter or my son’s blanket on the floor, or the huge Goodwill pile that had been collecting for several weeks. I prayed she wouldn’t notice the crumbs on the table from dinner two nights ago. Or toys that were under the table because it was easier for my kids to kick them under there rather than pick them up.

 

After she left, I could feel the embarrassment and disappointment bubble up inside me. I was upset that I had let my home become so cluttered and dirty . I was disappointed that I couldn’t keep up with the everyday life that bustles in and out of our house. I was annoyed that my husband and kids would rather watch TV than help me pick up.

 

The enemy began to throw lies at me. You are not worthy to have friends. You live in a small house that will never sell. Your home is chaotic and there is no peace here. Then I could hear the kids arguing. The sound of the mean names they called each other was like fuel to the fire. I yelled at them and demanded they picked up their rooms. What a terrible mom, the enemy screamed. How could you make them clean their rooms! How could you make them do chores and add to their stressful lives! This is all your fault, you know! You never taught them how to clean up after themselves.

 

That’s it! I grabbed my purse and my keys and I left. I started driving and went straight to the place I knew would solve all my problems. I went to the place that would ease my pain. I went to the place that could fill the void I was feeling. I drove straight to……..Dairy Queen! (Where else do you go when you have a bad day???)

 

I sat in the line that wrapped around the building and texted another sister. I started to beg for prayer and then I deleted the words one letter at a time and re-wrote a more “pulled together” text. I casually mentioned that I needed prayer. She, of course, knows me so well. She replied with a verse from Psalms. “I cried out to the Lord and He heard my cries and answered my prayers.” The tears were already falling but her response made them come faster. It was finally my turn to order my “fix”. I wiped my tears and cleared my throat. I told the voice on the other end what I wanted. I pulled up to pay and noticed there was now more mascara on my hands than on my face!!! I could only imagine how I looked to the girl in the window! I started wondering how often this happens….how often does it happen that emotional women come to pig out on blizzards when they are having a bad day. I almost had to laugh!

 

So I devoured my blizzard and blasted my praise music the rest of the way home. God reminded me that I am a hot mess! But that’s ok. I’m not perfect. No one expects me to be perfect. I am upset about something so shallow and unimportant. But God still hears me. He still loves me. He still comforts me. He still wants to use me and be with me. He loves me in the middle of my pity party. He loves me in my mess. He loves me in my dirty house and in the chaos of everyday life. I am blessed. I have children who are healthy and thriving. We have a roof over our heads. I’m married to my best friend and we are happily married – even through the everyday craziness. I’m blessed by beautiful friends who point me back to God. And I was able to bless a sister with my artwork. So when you feel like you are drowning in the everyday “stuff”, just remember, it is ok! God hears you and He loves you right where you are!! Hallelujah!!

 

Thank you, Lord, for this mess. Thank you for your grace. Thank you for your forgiveness. I love you. And I’m so thankful you love me and hear my cries, no matter how petty!  Amen!

Begin Again – Chosen

As I finish listening to a podcast by Beth Moore, she closes by saying God has blessed us each with gifts. Gifts given to us, but not for us. It takes me back a few months when it was the end of the year and I noticed a little hashtag. #olw … What was that? I tried to figure it out on my own. I tried to guess what the letters meant.

One little word – this was a word that was picked to describe the new upcoming year. It was a word you were hopeful would come into fruition for 2016. I thought about it and prayed. I asked God what word He wanted me to focus on for the new year. Several came to mind. Abide. Peace. Purpose. Serve. So I looked up verses that went along with each of them. I researched the meanings of each word to see if something stood out to me.

In my prayer time, I remember praying and asking God to make me “special”. I prayed God would show me my gifts. I prayed God would show me my purpose. I wanted to serve God. I wanted to be a mighty warrior for God. I wanted to be bold for God and become someone who was associated with God. I wanted to know God more. I heard a precious sister in Christ one night at a bible study say Jesus was the lover of her soul. Lord, I prayed, I want that!!!!

Then, after praying, God said….CHOSEN! I thought, “That’s it! Now I’m gonna be somebody! Now, I will be THAT woman of God because He has chosen ME!”

Well….that’s not what my precious Lord was saying. Shortly after receiving this word, it began showing up everywhere! The word came up in bible studies, bible verses, church sermons…. all over the place. But it was given a different meaning.

I wrote some notes down after I started realizing that God was showing me far beyond what I had imagined. God didn’t choose us to be popular, or to be strong, or to be bigger than we were. (Although He may do those things.) He chose me to be redeemed. He chose me to pull me out of the fiery pit and have a relationship with Him, to experience His presence – not only for eternity but also presently. He chose me to glorify Him. He wants to use my past to show what He can do. What is God’s will? We are groaning in “Egypt” and God hears us. God redeemed us for His glory. Our relationship is more important than anything we want Him to do in our lives. All those things may come but are we sitting at His feet? Are we coming close to Him? Are we getting to know Him? We were chosen for relationship with Him. We don’t need to ask Him for encouragement like Moses did. We need to experience His presence. We don’t need to make up excuses as to why we can’t do something because God is with us. He’s with us to enable us to do His will, to be obedient, to do His will when He calls us to.

“When God wants to give us confidence, He doesn’t applaud our gifts. He affirms His presence.” – Whitney Capps.

Who we are isn’t nearly as important as WHO HE is. He is the great I AM!

But that goes back to what Beth Moore was speaking on: 1 Corinthians 12:4-7   “There are different kinds of spiritual gifts, but the same Spirit is the source of them all. There are different kinds of service, but we serve the same Lord. God works in different ways, but it is the same God who does the work in all of us. A spiritual gift is given to each of us so we can help each other.”

The gifts are given to us, but NOT FOR us.

For example, I led a women’s group the other night and this particular night had been planned for about a month. This night was prayed over harder than any other meeting this group had had. I prayed and God gave me a word for this meeting. I kept trying to get out of it and trying to think about how it would be great if so-and-so came to speak. Or if we just skip the message all together. I begged God, I’m NOT a public speaker. He said, “But you can write and you can read!” Ugh… What if I messed up? What if I said the wrong thing and quoted Scripture wrong? What if… God finally said, “This isn’t your message. It’s Mine.” “Ok, Lord. I’ll do it.”

The purpose of that example is not to brag about speaking in front of a group of women. It isn’t to say that I even did a good job (because I looked at my notes too much, I stuttered, I was fidgety, I cried). But the point is that if God has given you a gift…or a word to share (whether with a group of women or a single individual), God has CHOSEN you to be a part of His plan. But what’s bigger than that (and more important than that) is that in order to HEAR Him, we must spend time with Him. We must KNOW Him. We must SEEK Him. We must SURRENDER to Him. We must have a RELATIONSHIP with Him. The Spirit will show you His gifts when we sit at the feet of Jesus and surrender to the will of God! Amen.

Well, Hello there!

I apologize for the long intervals between writing, but I always get hesitant about sharing too much, or sounding like I’m complaining about my life and our struggles. So I’ll try to make this post an update on what’s been going on. I can’t really remember where I left off, so forgive me if I’m all over the place.

We are still in therapy with my dd. The behavioral therapist she has now has been wonderful but still no talking in sessions or at school. She does speech therapy at school and OT. I’m not 100% if her Sensory Processing Disorder diagnosis still stands because none of the therapists we work with really see all the signs that we see at home. Plus, the selective mutism has taken precedence over everything else. Anyway, she has been interacting well with her therapists. When we first started seeking help, she wouldn’t interact with anyone. So of course that’s a step in the right direction.

Lately we’ve been dealing with long lasting temper tantrums. Tantrums may not be the right word, but I’ll go with it because that’s how I see these events. Something will bother her and it will set her off course for HOURS! Yesterday she had one and would only make sounds instead of talking. This would have been manageable had this only happened for a short time, but this went on for most of the day. And after so long, I forget why or how the tantrums even started. This morning on our way to church she started again and she was fine once she went into children’s church but as soon as we went to the truck, it started again…to continue until about 3:00pm or so. We ended up ignoring the situation the best we could but it takes a toll on everyone. Thankfully, she snapped out of it and now she’s playing nicely with everyone. I’m not sure but maybe it’s the change in routine since we are out of school for Christmas Break…??…

It hasn’t all been negative. We have had some great progress. One day she got out of the car when I was dropping her off at school and she accidentally spoke to us. I don’t think she realized she did it (which is GREAT)! But when the kids asked her about it after school that day, her face turned white and she denied talking to anyone. Then there was the morning (2 mornings in a row actually) that she did her hair…on her own! She hasn’t willingly wanted her hair done in about 2 1/2 years!! This doesn’t seem like a big deal, but in the everyday life we live – this is another great accomplishment.

Since I’ve written last, my middle daughter (S.) has also been diagnosed with anxiety. This was another point in time that was so overwhelming. The therapist for my youngest daughter was doing a home visit and we sat at the table and did a family exercise. She asked the question to each of us at the table: What makes us anxious? Now this exercise was done solely for E at this point so she would feel more comfortable talking to people. This activity ended up being the reason the therapist decided to start seeing S as well. Fast forward a few months (almost a year), and we received another diagnosis of selective mustism. That’s right, 2 daughters with selective mutism.

I won’t go into the “poor me” monologue that I struggle with on a daily basis. But as you can imagine, this is difficult for me to wrap my mind around. I’ve been told that God has a plan for all of my children – and while I believe that, I still struggle with how to handle this phase of life we are in. Today at church, the pastor talked about Paul and Silas being arrested and beaten in the book of Acts. They were locked up in jail and they prayed and sang praises to God. The entire time they were being whipped and the flesh was being ripped from their backs, they kept silent. The people lied about them and they didn’t respond. They kept their eyes on the Lord. They kept praying and praising. Then an earthquake hit and the prison doors fell open. They stayed in their cells. They stayed in the prison. The guard came and asked how he could be saved. The pastor spoke words that God used to pierce through my heart. “Sometimes God wants us to SSHHHH!” There’s a time for us to speak and there’s a time for us to be silent. I’m not in prison and I haven’t been beaten, but the struggles we face, trying to raise children the best way we know how, dealing with tantrums, going to therapies and IEP meetings, friends and family questioning you….they feel like lashes from Satan. Lashes that aren’t FROM God but ALLOWED BY God. But instead of complaining and trying to escape it, I will praise God. I will praise Him, not to manipulate Him to take it all away, but praise Him so He will be glorified through our family. I will praise Him for giving me strength to get through each day. I will praise Him for blessing me with four beautiful children. But most importantly, I will praise Him for saving me from the pits of Hell. Saving me from myself. Saving me and loving me when I can’t love myself. This is my time to be silent. By silent, I mean no more complaining. No more asking God to remove the struggles. But asking God how He wants me to handle this; and embracing and TRUSTING in His plans for us. Someone else may be watching how our faith walks in this situation. Someone else may need to find strength. Someone else may need to come to Jesus. And if our struggles allow one person to see Christ – then I will stay in the “cell”. I will not resist. I will not try to escape. I will fight for my children the way God would have me fight. On my knees, in prayer! God bless, Friends!

It’s Been A While…

Hello again, Friends 🙂 It’s time for an update on my DD’s progress and the journey we’ve been on. As some of you may know from my meltdown on FB yesterday, we had an appointment with a pediatric neurologist. It didn’t really go as I had hoped. What did I want to happen? Well… anything. I was hoping the doctor would say, “Ah, yes, this is a case of Blankety Blank Blank. We are going to help her by trying x, y, and z.” But that wasn’t how it went.

After driving 70 miles to get to the appointment, Emmy and I sat anxiously in the waiting room. She brought a shirt from school to help keep her calm. I thought about how interesting it was that she grabbed on to that shirt when we left and held it all the way to the office, then chose to bring it in to the appointment. She sat very still in the waiting room chair until all the patients had gone back in to see the doctor. Once everyone was gone, she got up to play with the shirt she brought. The door opened and she quickly got in her seat. That was the nurse. She just called us back. I took a deep breath and waited for Emmy to begin the usual hide and seek while the nurse coerced her into stepping on the scale. But that didn’t happen. As we stood up, she followed closely behind me. We got to the nurse’s station where the nurse would take her vitals and other information. The nurse asked Emmy to have a seat in the chair and she slowly and reluctantly sat down. I gave her a reassuring wink. The nurse then asked her to step on the scale and she did it! I was so excited. (It’s the little things.)

Anyway, the nurse brought us into the doctor’s actual office. Not a patient room, but where his desk was and where his credentials hung. I started going over in my head what I would say so I didn’t sound silly. What terms would I use so it sounded like I knew what I was talking about? Then I remembered all the information from the past year that I had in a yellow folder I laid on the floor as I waited. Then I stopped and began to pray, “Lord, be here in this office. Fill this office with Your presence.” Emmy was playing Dots on my phone so she was content for another moment.

I heard the doctor coming. He was here. This is it. We are going to have answers and we are going to figure out how to help Emmy deal with all that’s been going on. Here we go….

The doctor opened the door and came in to greet us. He asked me how old Emmy was and after asking her a few questions with no response, he asked me if she talked. I said, “No, not here.” He checked his phone, responded to someone, and he began his exam. Very quick… nothing special…. he gave her a lollipop and went behind his desk. Checked his phone, responded, typed a few things in his computer. Wait? That’s it? He says, “The exam is normal except she doesn’t talk.” Um…..really? “She’s fine,” he says. Uh…..ok….. No questions about past history? No questions about how long we’ve noticed these things? No questions about other therapies? *Checks phone again and responds, Types a few more things into the computer* I’m getting a little annoyed at this point. Did we really drive all this way for that? Did we really wait six months to hear that? My mind is going blank because I’m just in awe that that’s all he had to his visit… He asked me a little bit about the mutism. “Does she talk normally at home?” Yes. “Does she talk to visitors?” It depends on who they are and under what circumstances. I don’t know how she picks and chooses who she talks to. “She has selective mutism. She’ll grow out of it.” ….. ….. I’m speechless. I ended up finding the words to ask him about a few other things and he suggested anxiety. He said she’d probably need medication if it didn’t get better as she got older. His answers seemed to be sharp knives piercing my heart with quick sarcastic jabs. I honestly don’t know what diagnosis I was expecting to hear but just a few “un-rushed” moments of a caring doctor who wanted to know about all we had been through and a kind and reassuring “It’ll be ok.” would have sufficed. Then he ushered us to the check-out window. I felt like we were tourists with a guide leading us through a place he had been a thousand times. “Hurry along. NEXT!!”

I held back the tears as Emmy and I went to the car. Would anyone be able to help her? Am I crazy? Am I just being a bad mom and all of this is going on because I don’t really know what I’m doing? How will she get through this? Even if it’s only anxiety, how do I help her? How does she learn to cope with stressful situations? How does she learn to cope with her fears?

I vented on Facebook, which probably wasn’t the best idea at the moment. I had a dear friend remind me to keep my faith strong and remember that I’ll love her all the same no matter what. I prayed as I went to sleep that night and thanked God for keeping us safe on our trip. I prayed for forgiveness for being angry. I prayed for answers and God’s will to be done.

I woke up this morning and felt like I was going to take on anything. I am Emmy’s mom. I am her voice when she can’t speak. I am her advocate. I will fight for her when no one else will. I will figure out how to help her, even if I have to do it all on my own.

I called her pediatrician and asked what’s next. Where do we go from here? Do we do nothing for a while? Do we need to go somewhere else? What do we do?

Next up: psychiatrist who specializes in Selective Mutism. I’m so grateful for the pediatrician.When she called me she had just finished looking up SM and trying to make sure she led us down the right road for the next assessment. She was so kind in giving me helpful hints on how to deal with certain things. Looking back on the last few days, I feel extremely blessed to have people in our lives who care. People who sincerely want to help. People who want what’s best for Emmy. If nothing else, God has shown me that though things didn’t work out the way I hoped and the way I would have wanted them to, He is still good. He is still in control. He is still God and He will be glorified.

Until next time, Friends 🙂

Born Again??

I just finished watching a video on YouTube by a man named David Platt. It’s called “The Glory of God, the Lostness of man, and the Gospel of Christ.” The link is below if you’d like to watch it, it’s about an hour long but totally worth the time!

I know a lot of people are not crazy about sitting down to watch a one hour video about God or Jesus unless they know it will benefit them. So I would like to take a few minutes to summarize this video. I pray I explain it properly and that God is glorified through this explanation. Maybe this summary will spark further interest in the video. (*Some of these bible verses are my own, not quoted by Mr. Platt. I didn’t write down all the verses he used.)

Mr. Platt starts off by talking about the greatness, goodness, holiness of God. What does Holy mean? He says holy is without error; it is perfection; righteous; and without equal. He uses the Book of Isaiah to illustrate how great God is. *When I use the word “great” I’m not just talking about great as in good, I’m talking about the definition meaning “unusual in degree of power, degree, and/or intensity”. I’m talking about the splendor of God in ALL His perfection. It’s so hard to comprehend perfection and righteousness in our minds. Mr. Platt talks about how God placed each of the bazillion stars in the sky and called them all by name. He says God placed a mountain in one place and gave the rivers their boundaries. (Read Psalm 148) He talks about the majestic angels that surround Him in Heaven who are set ablaze with fire from His glory. All they can do is sing “Holy, Holy, Holy” all day and all night because of His glory. God never has a wrong motive. God is perfect. When Isaiah saw the glory of God, he fell on his face and said, “Woe is me!!!” because he knew he was not righteous enough to see God. He knew he was not a “good enough” person to see the Lord God Almighty. His greatness is reflected in earth. Our planet is just a speck of proof of how great God is. And that God, in all His glory and wonder, wants to be in relationship with us.

The next point Mr. Platt made was that we are ALL sinfully lost people. From the third chapter of the first book in the Bible, we have been a lost people. We are sinful to the core of who we are.  Psalm 51:5 says, “Surely I was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me.” Romans 7:18 says, “I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.” In John 8:34-35, Jesus tells the Jews, “I tell you the truth, everyone who sins is a slave to sin. Now a slave has no permanent place in the family, but a son belongs to it forever.” Romans 1:24-32 talks about how God gave them over to shameful lusts and sinful desires to sexual impurity and defiling their bodies. They exchanged the truth of God for a lie and worshiped things created rather than the Creator. There is no person who is innocent. We are all sinners and we are all destined for Judgment of God. In the book of Isaiah, God brings judgment on the Assyrians for their disrespect to God. In a word, 185,000 men of Assyria died. Back in the book of Leviticus, God told the people about atonement for their sins. In this ritual, the priest is to take a goat as a sacrifice (slaughter it for the sins) of the people and sprinkle the blood around the Most Holy Place (the altar of God) to cleanse it from the sinfulness of the people. Then they take a second goat and lay hands on its head and confess all the wickedness and rebellion (all their sins) and put them on the goat’s head. He sends the goat away into the desert and releases it, never to be seen again. Imagine that! God sends the sins away so they are no longer seen!!!!

The third point is that we have a Merciful Savior!! Mr. Platt uses the word “scandalous” to describe this. He references John 3. In this chapter, God is teaching a man named Nicodemus (who is supposed to be a widely respected scholar of the Word of God) about what it means to become “born again”. Jeremiah 31:34 says, “…For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more.” Psalm 103 talks about God’s love and compassion. “Praise the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all His benefits – who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.” How does God forgive and forget our sins? Matthew 1:21 says, “She will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus, because he will save his people from their sins.” Matthew 26:28, “This is my blood of the covenant, which is poured out for many for the forgiveness of sins.” Jesus became the atoning sacrifice (1 John 2:2) mentioned earlier in Leviticus. Jesus’ blood was shed so our sinfulness could be made clean, then remembered no more!!! In John 8:24 Jesus says, “I told you that you would die in your sins; if you do not believe that I am the one I claim to be, you will indeed die in your sins.”  So we must believe Jesus died for our sins, but we must also REPENT! In my study Bible under Mark 1:4 which says, “And so John came, baptizing in the desert region and preaching a baptism of repentance for the forgiveness of sins”, the text under it says, “Repentance involves deliberate turning from sin to righteousness, and John’s emphasis on repentance recalls the preaching of the prophets. God always grants forgiveness when there is repentance.” John the Baptist preached on repenting. Jesus preached on repentance (Matthew 4:17). And Peter spoke in the book of Acts about repentance, “Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins. And you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit.” 

The fourth and last point Mr. Platt makes is that Christians have an urgent mission. That mission is to spread the Gospel of Christ. Spreading the Gospel means telling people about how Jesus came to take away our sins so we could be made right with a Holy and Righteous God. We don’t just say a prayer and invite Jesus into our hearts. It’s so much more than that. It’s abandoning our past. It’s turning FROM what the world says is good and turning TO what God says is good. We need to engage in the Life of Jesus so we can share His love with others. 

I’m sure this entry does not do much justice to the video, but I encourage everyone to spare an hour to watch it. It’s a great evangelical tool that I think will move people to not just say a prayer but experience a “heart change” and a “life change” for the Kingdom of God.

Would you be quiet please?!?!

Lately I have been struggling… I know, Shocker! Right? LOL This time I’m struggling with a different kind of problem. I am struggling with finding the right words. I feel like Moses when God tells him to go to Egypt. Moses tells God he’s not a good speaker. I feel like that. I write something, I speak to someone, I text something…. then I look back and think, “That is NOT what I meant. That came out all wrong!” I have tried to write several blog entries in the last few weeks only to delete them. Same thing happens when I try to post something on FB. I look back on posts and think, “What did I post that for?” Even if my intentions are good, it seems the words come out all wrong. 

Several Bible verses have stuck out to me in the last few weeks and months regarding my words. James 1:19 says, “Quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to become angry…” I have already written an entire blog about this one but it’s just one that keeps coming to mind. Another one is 1 Peter 3:4, “You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God.” The “gentle & quiet spirit” struck me because those things I am not! I strive to be but my flesh wants to take over and put my two cents in. Proverbs 17:28 says, “Even fools are thought wise when they keep silent; with their mouths shut, they seem intelligent.” This one is funny to me but it’s also so true. It’s better to just be quiet then to spew every thought you have without a filter.

I had somewhat of a revelation this morning. I’m learning that the more I vent about my feelings, the less I trust in God. I’m not saying we should all hold everything in and not talk about it. But I notice with myself that I’m looking for answers in people. I’m looking for someone to give me a response that will make the light bulb go on. I’m searching for answers in all the wrong places. When I post my problems on FB or vent to my friends, I’m less likely to pray about them. I’m less likely to lay them down at the Cross for Jesus to bear.

I recently felt hurt and betrayed by several people in the same day at the same event. It left me feeling worthless and it brought my self-esteem plummeting. I started to blog about it in my anger, then I got to the bottom and deleted it. I’m so grateful I did. The other revelation I had about this topic was that the more I speak, the more I become self-righteous. There is a verse in Proverbs that says, “Too much talk leads to sin. Be sensible and keep your mouth shut.” I never realized what this meant until now. The more I talk, the more I get on my soapbox and the less I live what I believe.

At the beginning of the year, I went on a search for a new life verse. James 1:19 came to mind and that was one that I began to memorize. Now I realize how much deeper my faith will go if I just be quiet. Be quiet so I can listen (to others’ hearts; to the Holy Spirit within me). Be quiet so I don’t say things I’ll later regret (like I do ALL the time!). Be quiet so I can pray instead of vent. Be quiet so I don’t sin.

Until next time, Friends….

Short Update

Hi, everyone! I just wanted to take a minute to give a short update on our journey. First of all I want to apologize for not posting in a while. I have been struggling with whether or not I wanted to continue to blog. But I had a few friends and family members ask about it so here I am 😉

Anyway, we are in our second week of occupational therapy. We have speech and OT on the same days so that is a blessing. I don’t really know where we should be at this point so I don’t know if we are making progress but I do know that with the new occupational therapist, Emmy was a little less resistant to interact. I guess there are some personalities that make it hard for her to connect with people. The speech therapist has been trying to get her to make noises or mouth words, but Emmy is still not having any part of that. She interacts and uses the pictures but no words yet.

Her behavior has been up and down. Last weekend we had a busy schedule and less sleep so I expected problems, but some days are better than others. I hold tight to the good days and try to hold on to God on the bad days.

I felt like I was going through a time of mourning. I think I mourned the idea of normalcy. Not only that, but the stress of constantly being on the go and needing to figure out how to deal with everything and get a diagnosis and understand the disorder. Everything weighed on me and I felt like I was alone. I felt like I was doing it all by myself. Then each of my other children were trying to deal with all of this and they started showing signs of frustration and stress. Someone gave me a Bible verse that has really helped me. Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart. Lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.

I realized I wasn’t trusting God. I said I did, but I wasn’t. God knew Emmy would struggle with SPD long before she was born and He knew we were going to be her parents. God sees something in us that we don’t always see. He allows us a short time on Earth and He lends HIS children to us. I realized that I was trying to fix things and I was trying to make everything perfect and keep it all together. But I was trying too hard. I’m not God. God is. He is…. He’s strength, He’s love, He’s hope, He’s joy, He’s everything. I can’t do it all and I’m not called to do it all. I’m called to fall under His covering and love my children the way He does. They are His children and I have to realize that He created each of us (flaws and all). So I surrendered them to God and asked God to open my eyes to see them and love them like He sees them and loves them. I can’t say I’ve mastered that yet, but I can say it helps give me guidance when things get dark. It helps reassure me that God sees the end results. God knows the future, not me. I have to live in the present; not the past, not the future. Another verse is Jeremiah 29:11 God knows the plans He has for us. Plans to prosper us, not harm us. Plans to give us hope and a future. (paraphrased) I can hold on to the promise of God and know that He’s got this all under control!!!

Thanks for stopping by 😉 God bless.