I apologize for the long intervals between writing, but I always get hesitant about sharing too much, or sounding like I’m complaining about my life and our struggles. So I’ll try to make this post an update on what’s been going on. I can’t really remember where I left off, so forgive me if I’m all over the place.
We are still in therapy with my dd. The behavioral therapist she has now has been wonderful but still no talking in sessions or at school. She does speech therapy at school and OT. I’m not 100% if her Sensory Processing Disorder diagnosis still stands because none of the therapists we work with really see all the signs that we see at home. Plus, the selective mutism has taken precedence over everything else. Anyway, she has been interacting well with her therapists. When we first started seeking help, she wouldn’t interact with anyone. So of course that’s a step in the right direction.
Lately we’ve been dealing with long lasting temper tantrums. Tantrums may not be the right word, but I’ll go with it because that’s how I see these events. Something will bother her and it will set her off course for HOURS! Yesterday she had one and would only make sounds instead of talking. This would have been manageable had this only happened for a short time, but this went on for most of the day. And after so long, I forget why or how the tantrums even started. This morning on our way to church she started again and she was fine once she went into children’s church but as soon as we went to the truck, it started again…to continue until about 3:00pm or so. We ended up ignoring the situation the best we could but it takes a toll on everyone. Thankfully, she snapped out of it and now she’s playing nicely with everyone. I’m not sure but maybe it’s the change in routine since we are out of school for Christmas Break…??…
It hasn’t all been negative. We have had some great progress. One day she got out of the car when I was dropping her off at school and she accidentally spoke to us. I don’t think she realized she did it (which is GREAT)! But when the kids asked her about it after school that day, her face turned white and she denied talking to anyone. Then there was the morning (2 mornings in a row actually) that she did her hair…on her own! She hasn’t willingly wanted her hair done in about 2 1/2 years!! This doesn’t seem like a big deal, but in the everyday life we live – this is another great accomplishment.
Since I’ve written last, my middle daughter (S.) has also been diagnosed with anxiety. This was another point in time that was so overwhelming. The therapist for my youngest daughter was doing a home visit and we sat at the table and did a family exercise. She asked the question to each of us at the table: What makes us anxious? Now this exercise was done solely for E at this point so she would feel more comfortable talking to people. This activity ended up being the reason the therapist decided to start seeing S as well. Fast forward a few months (almost a year), and we received another diagnosis of selective mustism. That’s right, 2 daughters with selective mutism.
I won’t go into the “poor me” monologue that I struggle with on a daily basis. But as you can imagine, this is difficult for me to wrap my mind around. I’ve been told that God has a plan for all of my children – and while I believe that, I still struggle with how to handle this phase of life we are in. Today at church, the pastor talked about Paul and Silas being arrested and beaten in the book of Acts. They were locked up in jail and they prayed and sang praises to God. The entire time they were being whipped and the flesh was being ripped from their backs, they kept silent. The people lied about them and they didn’t respond. They kept their eyes on the Lord. They kept praying and praising. Then an earthquake hit and the prison doors fell open. They stayed in their cells. They stayed in the prison. The guard came and asked how he could be saved. The pastor spoke words that God used to pierce through my heart. “Sometimes God wants us to SSHHHH!” There’s a time for us to speak and there’s a time for us to be silent. I’m not in prison and I haven’t been beaten, but the struggles we face, trying to raise children the best way we know how, dealing with tantrums, going to therapies and IEP meetings, friends and family questioning you….they feel like lashes from Satan. Lashes that aren’t FROM God but ALLOWED BY God. But instead of complaining and trying to escape it, I will praise God. I will praise Him, not to manipulate Him to take it all away, but praise Him so He will be glorified through our family. I will praise Him for giving me strength to get through each day. I will praise Him for blessing me with four beautiful children. But most importantly, I will praise Him for saving me from the pits of Hell. Saving me from myself. Saving me and loving me when I can’t love myself. This is my time to be silent. By silent, I mean no more complaining. No more asking God to remove the struggles. But asking God how He wants me to handle this; and embracing and TRUSTING in His plans for us. Someone else may be watching how our faith walks in this situation. Someone else may need to find strength. Someone else may need to come to Jesus. And if our struggles allow one person to see Christ – then I will stay in the “cell”. I will not resist. I will not try to escape. I will fight for my children the way God would have me fight. On my knees, in prayer! God bless, Friends!
waitinsilence 